My mom tells me that when I was a little girl, I was very outgoing and self-confident. I used to walk up to random people and start talking to them. One of my earliest memories is when someone stole my tricycle and me finding it and simply taking it back. I was fearless.
But then that all changed in just a few short years.
I started elementary school in a small town in New Mexico. I don't have many fond memories of that school. I don't remember many specific people there. But I do remember that I didn't have many friends.
I was too young to really understand what was going on, but my mom clarified things for me when I was a teenager. She reminded me of a girl I made friends with in second or third grade. She was physically and mentally handicapped, so she walked funny and talked slurred. Most of my classmates made fun of her, but I liked her. We were friends the whole time she was in the area, but then she moved away, and apparently the kids started making fun of me after she left. I guess they needed a new target. Kids can be mean.
Anyway, after a couple years of constant teasing and mocking, I lost my self-confidence and became extremely shy. Kids can be pretty fragile. And I didn't even realize what was happening. It wasn't until I was a teenager, in a different state, with a completely different group of people, that I realized what a problem I had. I was at a dance wearing some new shoes, which I absolutely loved. I have big feet, so having cute shoes is something rare for me. A girl I knew from school came up to me with some friends and was talking to me, and told me she liked my shoes.
Seems like an innocuous statement right? Only, I didn't see it that way. I was convinced she was lying to me, and mocking me, and suddenly my pleasure in my shoes was ruined. I hardly wore them after that, even though I was beginning to realize that there was something wrong with me when I couldn't even hear a compliment without seeing a double meaning behind it.
Not only that, but my shyness was crippling. I realized my senior year of high school that there were people I had been going to school with for SEVEN years, that I hadn't talked to until that year. I used to think that people thought I was stuck up or something, but I still couldn't bring myself to talk to people. I remember the relief I felt when I heard at fellow student telling someone else I was shy, relief that someone understood me.
The one thing I was confident in was singing. I was in choirs all through school, I remember a teacher in one of my elementary schools (I went to 5 in all, 4 after we moved to Idaho from New Mexico) being surprised when I tried out for a part in the Lewis and Clark musical we were putting on. She said something along the lines of, "I didn't know she could talk that loud, let alone sing." Somehow, when I sang, I regained some of my confidence. But only during the performance, and even then, my shyness kept me from trying out for things I would have enjoyed.
That was years ago. It's taken a lot of time, and positive thinking, but I have come a long way from that shy girl who wouldn't look people in the eye at school. My husband and his family have trouble sometimes believing I was shy. I still feel awkward in social situations, and don't have many friends, but then, I've never felt like I need LOTS of friends, and I can hold my own at church functions. And when it comes for standing up for myself, well, I'm back to being that kid who stole back her tricycle. I have no problem with calling an company who I feel is overcharging me and being assertive, though I try to stay nice. I'm not a pushover.
What's the point? I felt like I should write this to those who are suffering from a similar problem. Specifically the trust issue. It took me a long time to understand this, but most people aren't out there looking to insult others. Most people aren't trying to offend. I had been treated badly for so long, that I just assumed most people outside my family (and let's be honest, even some of my family members) were going out of their way to insult me. Even statements that weren't aimed at me, I would assume they were, and that they were meant to offend. But now I genuinely believe that most people aren't like that. Especially because I am one of those people who tends to say something stupid and offend others, without meaning to. And I wonder if trust issues aren't making for some pretty unhappy people out there. I know I was miserable in high school. Absolutely hated it.
I just want to say, to those of you out there and struggling with trust, that you can trust people. Most people are not trying to hurt you. Be open with your feelings, and I think you'll be surprised to find that those who offended you truly meant no offense.
